As someone whose work imbalances led him from a software development manager to years of prison, here's what years of alone time to think about things led me to (probably just the ravings of someone gone insane but it feels good to share):
1. Truly take the time to realize that your life is valuable and worth prioritizing. Somehow my only identity morphed into filling the 'superman' roll at work and successful executive at home. If I hadn't saved the company from X or performed some herculean feat I had no worth at work. If I didn't get the next promotion I had no worth at home. But guess what? I had huge worth as a husband and especially as a father, and I sacrificed that because I couldn't see it. You are valuable. You have worth. You are worthy of love. And hopefully, if you are in the right place, you are loved. Being superman/the wonder kid at work/the executive big dog so your wife can show off to the Joneses does not define you. And eventually you age out of the wonder kid role or just actually break in the superman role because, sorry, none of us are superman. And all that fancy stuff? In 10 years its all outdated and you either need to throw it away and replace it or you are too uncool to be one of the cool kids.
2. Find a mentor. Someone who has been through it, who knows what's BS and what isn't, and can help you with what's important. My healthiest work environments were when I had a mentor. One of the most valuable things a mentor always reminded me of when I was deep into an 80 hour week fighting fires. No one is going to die because of this, and no one is going to remember it in 5 years. That and a manager's job is to provide his team the tools they need to do their job, not make his employees tools to do his.
3. Find a community. Relating back to step one, it helps us to value ourselves when we see others valuing us. If you can't find any other, go to an addiction group. You are an addict, maybe in search of an addiction at this point because your character is still holding out, but if you continue this path and haven't already you WILL find your addiction sooner or later.
4. Do not let others tear you down. I had a horrible relationship with my ex-wife. Instead of working to fix it I put tons of energy into going to court in my head why I was right, she was wrong and horrible. Tons of energy into why she was right to think I was a total piece of shit and falsely think I was not worthy of love (see 1 above). Tons of energy into why I deserved a treat/reward for all the hard work I did that no one properly gave me recognition for and deserved, and secretly rewarding myself in the most destructive of ways. At the time I hated my wife. I'm not sure it could be fixed looking back, but I would give anything to go back and put the energy into that relationship that I put into stupid work projects and addiction. Instead the mother of my children, the woman who picked me forever, my best friend from high school on, with whom I shared every major life event, will never talk to me again. A lifetime of memories I don't get to share with her. Family vacation memories. The first time we ordered lemon light at Takara's and remember how good it used to be. Never again a 'dad will you make your amazing ribs this weekend?'.
5. If you have a family, make sure to have a worry tree in your front yard. After a crap work day, after a 1.5 hour commute (I'm oldschool from when people still went to work in the office, you spoiled kids these days!), before going into the house, I paused and left my worries at the worry tree to be picked up in the morning, and went into the house leaving work behind and myself ready to be present for my kids when I opened that door and they ran up screaming excitedly 'daddy's home' :'( When we moved I didn't setup a new worry tree routine and I that is one of my biggest regrets. So many lost evenings because I came home in a shit attitude.
6. Don't white knuckle through life. Ask for help. Ask for help at work. Ask for help at home. Ask for help from a mentor. Ask for help from friends. Definitely don't keep track of all the times you didn't get help/what you wanted in your head. If you didn't ask for it, it's on you. If you keep track of it in your head, you are just wasting energy/brain power. You can't judge people on not helping/appreciating you if you don't show them what you need. No one is going to fix this for you. No one is going to say 'wow, Bob's really deserves a break/help/affection' unless you are lucky enough to have amazing people around you. Ask for a break. Ask for help. Ask for affection. Find enough self worth somehow to know you are worthy of all of those things! If work doesn't respect that, leave. They are a zombie company and will suck you dry. I gave 15 years to a company in a field that I felt made a difference. Made them millions. Signed over patents. Impacted hundreds of thousand of people lives in a positive way. In the end I was worth 2 weeks notice. And nothing I ever did mattered when I was left so broken I utterly and completely failed my children and wife.
Sorry for my rant. I have a mens 'stop being a shitty person' group tonight where it is my night to talk about my story, so I have been thinking about this stuff today and just kind of threw up all over this reply. I apologize for the word vomit.
1. Truly take the time to realize that your life is valuable and worth prioritizing. Somehow my only identity morphed into filling the 'superman' roll at work and successful executive at home. If I hadn't saved the company from X or performed some herculean feat I had no worth at work. If I didn't get the next promotion I had no worth at home. But guess what? I had huge worth as a husband and especially as a father, and I sacrificed that because I couldn't see it. You are valuable. You have worth. You are worthy of love. And hopefully, if you are in the right place, you are loved. Being superman/the wonder kid at work/the executive big dog so your wife can show off to the Joneses does not define you. And eventually you age out of the wonder kid role or just actually break in the superman role because, sorry, none of us are superman. And all that fancy stuff? In 10 years its all outdated and you either need to throw it away and replace it or you are too uncool to be one of the cool kids.
2. Find a mentor. Someone who has been through it, who knows what's BS and what isn't, and can help you with what's important. My healthiest work environments were when I had a mentor. One of the most valuable things a mentor always reminded me of when I was deep into an 80 hour week fighting fires. No one is going to die because of this, and no one is going to remember it in 5 years. That and a manager's job is to provide his team the tools they need to do their job, not make his employees tools to do his.
3. Find a community. Relating back to step one, it helps us to value ourselves when we see others valuing us. If you can't find any other, go to an addiction group. You are an addict, maybe in search of an addiction at this point because your character is still holding out, but if you continue this path and haven't already you WILL find your addiction sooner or later.
4. Do not let others tear you down. I had a horrible relationship with my ex-wife. Instead of working to fix it I put tons of energy into going to court in my head why I was right, she was wrong and horrible. Tons of energy into why she was right to think I was a total piece of shit and falsely think I was not worthy of love (see 1 above). Tons of energy into why I deserved a treat/reward for all the hard work I did that no one properly gave me recognition for and deserved, and secretly rewarding myself in the most destructive of ways. At the time I hated my wife. I'm not sure it could be fixed looking back, but I would give anything to go back and put the energy into that relationship that I put into stupid work projects and addiction. Instead the mother of my children, the woman who picked me forever, my best friend from high school on, with whom I shared every major life event, will never talk to me again. A lifetime of memories I don't get to share with her. Family vacation memories. The first time we ordered lemon light at Takara's and remember how good it used to be. Never again a 'dad will you make your amazing ribs this weekend?'.
5. If you have a family, make sure to have a worry tree in your front yard. After a crap work day, after a 1.5 hour commute (I'm oldschool from when people still went to work in the office, you spoiled kids these days!), before going into the house, I paused and left my worries at the worry tree to be picked up in the morning, and went into the house leaving work behind and myself ready to be present for my kids when I opened that door and they ran up screaming excitedly 'daddy's home' :'( When we moved I didn't setup a new worry tree routine and I that is one of my biggest regrets. So many lost evenings because I came home in a shit attitude.
6. Don't white knuckle through life. Ask for help. Ask for help at work. Ask for help at home. Ask for help from a mentor. Ask for help from friends. Definitely don't keep track of all the times you didn't get help/what you wanted in your head. If you didn't ask for it, it's on you. If you keep track of it in your head, you are just wasting energy/brain power. You can't judge people on not helping/appreciating you if you don't show them what you need. No one is going to fix this for you. No one is going to say 'wow, Bob's really deserves a break/help/affection' unless you are lucky enough to have amazing people around you. Ask for a break. Ask for help. Ask for affection. Find enough self worth somehow to know you are worthy of all of those things! If work doesn't respect that, leave. They are a zombie company and will suck you dry. I gave 15 years to a company in a field that I felt made a difference. Made them millions. Signed over patents. Impacted hundreds of thousand of people lives in a positive way. In the end I was worth 2 weeks notice. And nothing I ever did mattered when I was left so broken I utterly and completely failed my children and wife.
Sorry for my rant. I have a mens 'stop being a shitty person' group tonight where it is my night to talk about my story, so I have been thinking about this stuff today and just kind of threw up all over this reply. I apologize for the word vomit.